500 days without you

When does the pain subside?

Lately I find myself begging my mind to stop racing

I wonder what it might be like to have the ability to not be completely consumed by what is occurring around the world

But when the time does finally come and I am able to quiet my mind for a few moments

As it seems like the clouds are beginning to part and I anticipate the sun starting to peak through

It is just you

You. You. You.

Our last moments together begin to play on repeat, as they often do

Heat rolls throughout my body and my heart begins to race

My eyes swell and the tears become unstoppable, no matter how hard I try to blink them away

I picture your smile and the brave face you wore to keep us all at ease

The imprint of your hand in mine feels like something of a past life now

The realization that my memories of you will never be new again forms a lump in my throat

I try to return to the thoughts that I had just wished away, the ones that often feel all too much to handle, but still an ounce lighter than the thoughts of you

I do not avoid thinking of you because I no longer care

I avoid it because it still often feels like day one without you here, and how am I meant to carry that when it has been almost 500 days without you?

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Miss you so much, mom.